A party for the swans
by letsmarvelus
Summary: One shot: Grumpy the snow queen, poetry-reciting Hook, and a rap battle between Snow the zumba queen and Zaleena minaj. What could be better? Emma hosts a party for the inhabitants of storybrooke while Regina, Charming, and Snow go after Zelena. some captainswan


Regina, Mary Margret, and David looked out into the sea of trees… and grass… and more trees that the Enchanted Forest had to offer.

Regina was the first to break the silence. "Wait till I get my hands on the no good green…"

"Regina," Snow sighed, exasperated. "It's okay. We'll get her and put an end to her evil."

"Not evil, darling," Regina mocked. " _Wicked_."

David held his hand over his mouth to cover his burst of giggles. Snow's mouth formed a small _o_.

"That actually sounded just like her," Snow grinned, biting her bottom lip to keep from joining in her husband's laughter.

'I should hope it sounds like me, darling." A curling voice wisped out of Regina's mouth as a puff of green smoke surrounded her, replacing Regina with no other than…

Charming shrieked.

"Zeleena!" Snow unconsciously wiped out her sword while Charming fled to cry behind a tree. "What did you do with her?!"

"Who? My little sister?" The witch looked at Snow, offended, then laughed bitterly after a quick pause. "We can worry about that once you get past mwah." She laughed again coming next to where Charming was crying and tapped him on the shoulder, whispering "Boo."

Charming screamed and ran away.

Snow smushed her face in her hands in embarrassment. _OMG Charming._

Snow tilted her sword and ran towards the grinning witch in full fury mode.

Emma let her hair out of her messy ponytail as she ran to get the doorbell.

"Hey, kid," she called out to Henry as he put the chips on the table. "I…uh…left the… _toys_ , yeah, I left the toys for the party, you know how people in the Enchanted Forest are, in the really scary basement we never go to. Do me a solid and go get them?"

"Anything for you, Mom" Henry grinned like a ten-year-old…wait, he is ten…and went down, shutting the door behind him.

Emma quickly sprinted to the door and locked it, dropping the key in the back pocket of her jean…which she took off because she was wearing a dress…but she wouldn't know it was in the laundry bag as she went frantically searching for it later on.

After smoothing out her dress she finally reached the door, the person behind it ringing the doorbell like he's never rang one in his life.

Speak of the devil.

"Hey, Emma," the dwarves chorused, seven pairs of eyes gleaming at her.

"Hey guys," she waved, getting on her knees to give each one a hug. "I haven't seen you in a while."

"Same here, sister." Grumpy grinned when it was his turn for Emma to put her arms around him. "Where's the rest of the gang?"

Emma's lips formed a thin line as she got up and looked at Grumpy. "Ah…"Emma was going to regret saying this. "You guys are the first one's here."

"WHAT?" Grumpy's eyes bulged out in full rage. "I'M NEVER FIRST AT A PARTY! I AM ALWAYS FASHIONABLY LATE! WHAT THE…"

"Fudge!" Dopey exclaimed running towards Emma's "homemade", meaning rushing out last minute to Granny and bribing her to make it to call Emma's own, delicacy at the center of the rest of the food.

"Knock yourself out, boys." Emma waved them on and pushed a grumpy Grumpy towards his brothers. He relaxed at her touch and slowly let his face go as he attempted to smile at her.

 _This is weird_. Emma cringed, but before she could think of some way to escape the odd-acting dwarf, another doorbell ringing maniac approached the door.

"Coming!" Emma hollered, giving her best authentic-looking _I'm sorry, gotta go_ smile, going to answer the doorbell. She touched the diamonds in her hip pocket that she sniped from the midgets…for good luck, of course.

Soon her…technically, it was Regina's but it was Emma's party… house was flowing with familiar looking faces, all enjoying the loud music and food, some people beginning to dance in the middle of the room. Ruby and Victor were burning it down, laughing and smiling, obvious chemistry. Emma was happy for them, but then she saw Granny with August's dad by the buffet.

Her eyes are still trying to recover from seeing that.

Emma smiled, satisfied with the party's booming success, but then felt her ears buzzing from the really loud blaring of "Never Ever Getting Back Together" (Rumple's request-a.k.a the Storybrooke Swifter: breaking hearts since the "Golden Age" ~ha, ha, ha; snicker, snicker~) and slipped out of the front door, murmuring helloes, walking out the front walkway.

She wandered out the front yard and found a bench not too far away from Regina's mansion and sat down with a sigh.

"Why aren't you enjoying the party, love?" A voice like dark chocolate silk in all black leathers came from behind our blond heroine.

"My ears hurt." Emma confessed as Killian strolled over to where she was sitting. "One can only take so much of Taylor Swift's annoying nagging..." she began, but suddenly Hook shoved his finger over her lips.

"Sshhh…"He urged, looking in her crystal aqua eyes. "Did you hear that?"

Emma wiped her head around in the other direction. "What?"

Hook merely chuckled and put his good hand over her's. "If I speak to thee in friendship's name," he whispered, not taking his eyes of her, "Thou think'st I speak too coldly; If I mention Love's devoted flame, thou say'st I speak too boldly. Between these two unequal fires Why doom me thus to hover?"

He brushed his fingers over her chin to cup it gently. As she leaned into his touch, he pushed his face closer to hers, so that their noses where smushed together ad their lips only a scandolus mili-meters apart. He murmerred the last few words in a rough, husky tone, satisfied as he felt her shudder at his touch.

"I'm a friend, if such thy heart requires, If more thou seek'st, a lover. Which shall it be? How shall I woo? Fair one, choose between the two."

He reached the tips of his fingers gently over her cheeks to wipe away the tears flowing down.

"Oh, Killian." she choked "That was beautiful." She started sobbing like a maniac.

"It was?" His eyes glowed. "Oh, good, because I had no idea what the heck it meant."

She smiled but glared at him. "Don't ruin the moment," she breathed as she brought her face closer to his slowly. Closer…closer…

"I don't know what to do!" Snow dragged her hands through her dark hair, forcing herself not to yank it out, strand by strand.

"Choose wisely, Snow White." The witch crackled, running her mossy green hands over her chin.

Snow White bore her eyes into the tic-tac-toe board.

Snow White could feel the tear streaming down her pale cheeks. "I don't even know how to play this…tac-tic-toc toe!" she wailed. "Why are you so evil?"

"Not evil, darling." She sighed, savoring her moment in the spotlight. " _Wicked_."

August opened the door to Regina's mansion, welcomed to "Girl on Fire" belting out of the stereo, the sight of dwarfs draped in toilet paper in peanut butter, Granny in a bikini (he wished he could un-see that), Rumple on a horse, dressed like Jon Stark, shouting "Off with Joffery's head!" and charging towards Pan, who dyed his hair blond and wore a king's outfit and an obscurely large crown, who was fleeing away, shouting "Go away, son! Can't I be free of you?!" Grumpy, on Rumple's command ("Come Tyrion!"), was running beside the crazed man, his black hair wiping as he ran like a little imp.

"Why did I let him watch Game of Thrones?" Belle murmured as she threw aside the towel and dipped her feet into the Jell-O pool with a flood of relief on her face, reaching for the seventh book of Pretty Little Liars beside her. "Fascinating," she murmured, opening to where she had left off.

August's mouth was wide open as he tried to register this. _Something isn't right_ , August pondered.

"HEY!" August yelled, making everyone freeze and the music silence. A million pairs of eyes stared at him as he called for attention. Rumple froze, as did Pan.

"Where's the musical number?" August demanded, putting his hand on his hip.

"Musical number?" Ruby looked at the wooden Puppet.

"Sure," August assured her, grabbing his guitar and letting the Rocketts in from the door. "There's always a musical number at this point in the story."

"Right." She said, running to get everybody ready as the lights dimmed.

"August, I don't think I'm ready for it." Grumpy whispered, his face flushed as he squirmed into his tutu for the big finale.

August directed Angelina Jolie and Usher to the back as Kanye West ran upstairs. "Don't worry, Pal." He assured the dwarf. "Just be confident and just…let it go." August suddenly realized the words that slipped out his -oh no.

It was too late.

"That was okay." The Witch spat, crossing her arms. "But can you beat this."

She waited for a beat. As she bobbed her head and tried to do the lamest attempt of the Robot in history, she spat the words out. "Yo…

This one's for the flying monkeys in the recording system,

Hot fur A-Z with the cooling system

You be coming into OZ you be blazing up

You got wings on deck like you saving up

And you fly

You cry

You might squeak a lot

And bang a couple of pans and pots

Like you got the big deal

You talk

You lock

You always say stuff

When you make a trip trip

Tell it to the imp

That's the kinda monkey I was lookin' for

And yes you'll get slapped if you lookin

Holla!"

Snow gulped nervously as the rest of the rappers in the club cheered, making Zeleena grin victoriously.

"Your turn…princess." She hissed, making Snow want to cringe and hide in the corner like her cry-baby husband. But she was a woman…she had to do this.

"Okay…witch." Snow retorted, grabbing the mike and following the beat. Her body swayed like an one-hundred year old woman doing Zumba **.**

 **[AUTHOR"S NOTE: THERE"S A NICE IMAGE TO PUT IN YOUR HEAD-HAPPY…uh…birthday. Yep_I didn't forget ;)]**

"Uh-uh…

I like cookies with chocolate and vanilla extract

A little sprinkles it'll make the goodness last.

Don't bake it too long and don't bake it too fast

Yeah-that's it, bake it just like that

Only you can bake it like that

In a 400 degree oven with the parchment paper on

Like you put it under the sun

Like you stirred it yourself

But you probably did not.

I wonder if the bowl got washed boy

If it got soaked before it got stained

That's why you wanna put Pam

Why you won't wash your dishes

'Cuz your cooking's got swag

Yeah, I said it like drag

Holla!"

Zeleena's bitter curses were drained out by the crowd's overwhelming cheers.

"LET IT GO! LET IT GO! I CAN'T HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE."

Everybody clapped as Grumpy climbed the ice-forming stairwell, courtesy of Rumple's awesome magic.

Emma and Hook gaped in awe as they walked through the door seeing…well, _that._

"LET THE STORM RAGE ON!" Grumpy fixed his Elsa look-alike dress and matching crown, bracing himself as Charlie Sheen and Lady GaGa, in her infamous meat dress (of course), lifted the snow princess wanna-be dwarf into the air, crashing his head in the disco ball that appeared out of now where.

The show went on.

"THE COLD NEVER BOTHERED ME ANYWAY!" Grumpy muffled, his head invisible in the rotating disco ball, and threw his hands in the air as the fireworks went off and the music stopped.

Emma nudged through people, apologizing as some fell over, and made her way through the crowd, where Rumple was putting Grumpy back in his Tyrion apparell. She gave him a glaring eye.

"What…happened…here?!" Emma fumed at the Dark One.

"It was the musical number, dearie." He sighed, calling for his horse as he watched Pan run away with "his father's" head. Rumple gasped. "HE KILLED MY FATHER! OFF WITH JOFFERY'S HEAD." He jumped on the horse. "COME, TYRION! FOR NARNIA!"

"um…"

"NARNIA!" Rumple shouted in her face to stress his _I don't care_ attitude.

"Okay, then" Emma sighed, watching him ride away. She turned to Hook, who looked as confused as ever. "This party has gone way out of control. We need to-"

"Omg!" Hook squealed as he saw what Belle was reading. "You didn't read that one yet?"

Belle's face lit up. "No," she warned. "So don't…"

"Wasn't it sad how that character killed that other cha-"

"SHUT UP!" Belle screamed, speed-reading as she ran away from a spoiler-babbling Killian.

"Lass!" He huffed, jogging after her as he waved his frantic fan-girling hand and hook in the air. "I didn't tell you how that guy and that girl, who punched that other character…"

"Oh my God," Emma panicked. "Okay, I just need to clean up before-"

The house suddenly became utility silent.

"What did you do to my house?!"

Uh-oh. Busted!

To be continued…

IN YOUR DREAMS

JK!


End file.
